You're Not Sirius, I Am!
by VampireMoony
Summary: Following in the path of that horrible joke, I will write a collection of short stories involving Harry Potter and the rest of the cast in a variety of humourous situations.


Disclaimer: I swear, I think all of you have read enough of these to know that I do not own Harry Potter or any of his little friends, no matter how much I wish I did. Good enough for you?

Hehe... You could ask any of my friends. I've been planning on writing these for a while. You know when a completely odd thought pops into your head? One that you go, "Wow, that is so flippin' funny I just have to tell someone!"? Well, when one occurs to me, I will add it as a short story here. This will be my collection of the odd and often wacky short tales of Harry Potter and co.

Note: All of these stories will be able to be read by themselves,. I am not plagiarizing, as I cannot remember the password to my old account, so am simply starting a new one here.

Story One: I Knew We Were Forgetting Something!

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"Ron, stop playing with that! You'll get us kicked off before we even leave!!"

"Why would they kick us off? I just want to know what the point of an 'oxygen mask' is."

Hermione just sank back into her airplane seat, exhausted with Ron's antics. She didn't even bother to look up as she flagged down a flight attendant for a strong drink. If she thought she'd be used to Ron's antics after nearly 10 years, she was sadly mistaken.

When the attendant returned, she gave the usual smile and tip, and then proceeded to gulp down the tiny glass of amber liquid. She groaned when she found Ron playing with the window cover. She hadn't wanted to give him the window seat, but she'd be damned if she would let the man run around on the plane from an aisle seat! Yes, Hermione was a true martyr folks, sacrificing her sanity for the next 13 hour plane trip by keeping Ron relatively restrained.

_I should have Stunned him, but would he be considered my carry on?_ she thought. Looking down at her bag, a small light distracted her from her target. A refraction off her wedding ring.

She grinned stupidly, whether on purpose or because she'd started drinking even before she got on the plane, we're not quite sure. It's hard to believe that she and Ron had just gotten married. I mean, she thought she'd be a lot older before she settled down, certainly not at the age of 21.

_And here we are, heading off towards our honeymoon location: Las Vegas!_ She grinned, proceeding to rustle through her bag once more before take off.

She dearly wanted to thank whoever had invented Concealing charms, yes. It was probably the only way she would have been able to smuggle on a 48 ounce bottle of Ogden's Firewhiskey as a seemingly harmless 12 ounce container of water. She took a long swig and pulled a face. It certainly wasn't a great tasting beverage, but she knew she would get thoroughly pissed because of it. After graduation, she and Harry in celebration had found out the hard way just what that stuff could do to you. But hey, we couldn't all be perfect, could we?

_Not even me, in the end_, Hermione thought, barely noticing the pre-flight lecture, though turning towards her husband, she could see he was listening very hard, worried he might miss something. She thought about the last few years, and wondered what had happened.

Of course, Harry had defeated Lord Voldemort in a large battle just three years ago. However, though numerous eye witnesses claimed they saw him in Diagon Alley looking quite singed, he simply disappeared after that. So did a number of others: Professor Snape, who stopped being the spy in the end and fought openly against the Deatheaters; Sirius Black, Harry's godfather who was proven innocent when Wormtail's body was discovered in the aftermath; Remus Lupin, the kindly werewolf whose condition one night took out a large number of Dark supporters. Perhaps the oddest was Malfoy, the sneaky, conniving bastard who never did choose a side, instead attempting to stay neutral until he saw what side would truly win.

_Too much thought, too little drink_, she thought bitterly, helping herself to another draught as the plane took off. She couldn't wait to get there.

--

Ron was slightly ticked as he got off the plane, propping up a swaying Hermione in his arms at McCarren International Airport that late afternoon. After finding their baggage and discreetly casting a Sobering charm on his beloved wife, they managed to find their way out of the confusing maze. He breathed a sigh of relief as Hermione, getting slightly back into her right state of mind by that point, signaled down a taxi to bring them to their hotel. He would definitely have to watch her more closely now.

"Where are we staying again, darling?" he asked, knowing she would give him a glare for that name. And she did, though nowhere near as good as Malfoy's or Snape's.

"We are staying at the Bellagio, pookie dear," she replied, and both snickered as they watched the cabbie pull a face at their choice of pet names.

Walking into the hotel and finally getting up to their rooms proved a tiring feat, weaving in and out of tourists, finding their way through the labyrinth of gambling tables, slot machines and god knows what else Muggles thought up as ways of losing money. Upon reaching their rooms, the little electronic clock read 4:30 PM.

"Hermione, we've got to get ready quickly. Weren't we going to see some sort of show?" Ron queried from the shower.

"Yeah, but we've still got a bit of time. If memory serves me correctly, the show is Siegfried and Roy at the Mirage." She didn't see his head stick out from the steaming bathroom.

"A magic show?" -He had paid attention to the billboards coming in- "Hermione, we're magic! Those are just Muggles, illusions, and some sort of overgrown housecat! Let's see that 'Blue Man Group'!"

"No, I want to see the magic show. Besides, I already bought the tickets. Here, I've already laid out your clothes so you won't clash."

"Aarrghhhh!"

---

The Mirage wasn't as fancy as their hotel was, but it was still quite nice, they thought as they entered the shining doors. Ron looked at the woman standing next to him and smiled. Because of her, both of them were a striking pair done up nicely for the show.

It took a while to find the showroom even with the help of several hotel employees and signs all over the place.

"You know, it shouldn't be this hard. I mean, we can memorize more than seven stories of a magical castle, but we can't find our way around a simple casino?" Ron muttered when they finally came into view of the ticket stand. Hermione took the lead, pulling the tickets out of her purse.

"Yes, we've come to see the show. Can you tell us where our seats are?" she asked the lady behind the counter. She handed over the tickets to the woman. The lady gave a swift sweep of the tickets and handed them back to Hermione.

"Ma'am, these tickets were for last night. I'm afraid to say the showing tonight is sold out."

"That's what we get, Hermione, for wanting to see this. Come on, let's see those blue men!" whined Ron, grabbing Hermione's hand and beginning to lead her away. The lady clearly didn't want the hotel to lose business, though, as she called them back.

"Hey, I'm sorry that you two missed your show. Happens all the time with tourists," she waved it off with her hand and with the other produced two tickets. "These aren't for this particular show, but one just down that way." She pointed down a deserted stretch of hall towards a dark set of doors at the end. She leaned in and whispered, "Personally, I think that show is much better than Siegfried and Roy. It could be more famous than all the shows in town, but the actors like it this way. The show starts in five minutes."

Hermione, stunned by the kindness of this stranger, smiled and took the tickets, thanking her and towing a sulking Ron down the hallway and through the doors. Inside was a large stage and a smaller area for the audience, proving that this place indeed did not get many customers. She looked around and at the tickets.

"We're right up there," she told Ron, pointing towards the middle, slightly elevated section of tables. "We get to have unlimited refreshments. That's nice."

Finding their way up to the seats, both turned their chairs so they could take advantage of the table and still be able to watch the stage. A waiter quickly came out and looked at their tickets.

"I'll bring you out the house special drink. Everyone loves it," the cheery young man said and ran back towards a set of doors which must have led to a kitchen. The couple couldn't ponder this long, however, as the house lights went out, leaving the stage the only thing illuminated. The few other people there clapped as a handsome, amber-eyed man came out onto the stage.

"Gentlemen, ladies," he began nodding politely to the audience, "Tonight will be a night you'll never forget. Forget the other shows you've seen and the illusions they've used. Tonight will be a night of true magic!" He bowed and ran off the left side of the stage. Everyone clapped, though Hermione saw Ron roll his eyes.

"Come on Ron, have fun with it!" she whispered across the table.

"'Tonight will be a night of true magic!' Whatever," he replied. Just then, the waiter popped up again with their drinks and disappeared just as quickly. They both took a sip and nearly spat the stuff out.

"Ron, this is-"

"Butterbeer! I haven't had his since Hogsmeade!" Hermione turned back towards the stage as Ron proceeded to take hearty gulps of his mug.

"This 'true magic' stuff might be true, you idiot! Butterbeer is not a Muggle drink!" she scolded, but the sight as the curtains pulled up quickly shut them up, and this time Ron really did spit out his Butterbeer.

"Hello, everyone! Did you come to have a fun time?" shouted a tall, blue-eyed man with long black hair wearing a red cloak. Everyone whistled and clapped. He noticed a young girl in the front of the audience with her parents. He looked at the others not on the stage in various cloaks and grinned.

"Deary," he said, addressing the child and helping her up on the stage, "Do you like magic?"

"Yes!" squeaked the little girl, smiling at the man kneeling in front of her.

"Do you like doggies, too?"

"I love doggies!"

"I think you'll like this trick, then!" And before the audience, the man disappeared and a large, bearlike dog appeared, licking the girl's face as she laughed in delight. The audience applauded and Hermione whispered, "Sirius?" She swore she saw the dog look up at her, but then he became a man again, helping the child back down to her seat. The child was bouncing in excitement.

"That was just the warmup, folks, for our next two will thrill you for the rest of the night- with the help from the rest of us, of course!" he said. The audience seemed to be sitting on the edge of their seats. "Please welcome those two who thrill you, who delight you, and leave you wanting more! Here they are!"

In ran a young blonde man from left stage, grey eyes on the audience with a wide smirk on his face. His partner ran in from the other side, messy black hair, green eyes and all, smiling wide.

"Tonight," came the announcer who appeared from nowhere in the middle of the stage, who now looked like a very familiar werewolf in a top hat, "You will see the true form of magic!" And before the show started, Ron swore the man gave him a grin.

----

The two hour show was over, the lights were back on, but the action was far from over. Everyone from the audience was coming up to greet the cast and ask for autographs, pictures, and the like. It was only when those last stragglers left that Hermione and Ron got up from their spots and hurriedly went down to the stage.

"Harry!"

"Hey mate!"

Both watched as the man froze and swiveled on the spot, eyes lighting up at the sight of the two. He jumped off the stage and ran up to both of them.

"Ron! Hermione! How are you doing? How long's it been?"

Noticing the man had run off, the other three looked around and smiled.

"So this is where you've all disappeared off to! Sirius, Remus, Malfoy! But we assumed Snape was with you!" said Hermione, hugging her found friend tightly when a sneering voice came up from behind her.

"Yes, Miss Granger, 'Snape' is with this bunch of slackers. I work the technical so these idiots look better," the man said. He looked at the couple and added, "Can I not escape ever from former students?"

"Nope! Me and Hermione here are on our honeymoon!" proclaimed Ron. At this Harry, Sirius, and Remus laughed and congratulated in turn. Malfoy, putting on a display of his former nature, said, "Oh no! The Weasley line is back in the gene pool! Humanity is doomed, that's for sure!"

"Ah, come on Draco! Let's all take these two around Vegas and show them the bars here!" shouted Harry. The rest, even Snape, cheered.

---

"So, Harry no word from you for three years. You've been here all the time?" asked Hermione, completely pissed for the second time that day. Harry, nearly falling out of the large booth they were all sitting in (and quite as bad as Hermione) slapped his head and said, "Damn! I knew I was forgetting something! I didn't tell anyone I was leaving!" He proceeded to laugh and did successfully fall off the end, which only managed to make him laugh harder. He swayed off towards the dance floor and proceeded to do a horrendous solo, giggling the entire time.

Draco, who was the designated driver, answered Ron, who was still sober enough to remember and carry on intelligent (for a Weasel) conversation. "Well, after the battle, I ran into Harry at the Leaky Cauldron where he was drinking up a storm. So was I, so I figured, what the hey, I'd join him. We proceeded to talk, and decided to go into show business in Vegas in our drunk state. Taking our last swigs of Firewhiskey, we made our way to the airport. The rest of these lackeys" - here he motioned towards Sirius, who was laughing drunkenly at Harry who was now proceeding to clumsily strip to the music; Remus, who was wobbling over to join Harry; and to Snape, who had fallen asleep with his head on the table and was sleeping a a lake of spilt drink- "tracked us down and decided to stay. Will you stay?"

"Hell, yes!" said Hermione, eyeing her drink before shrugging and drinking down the rest. "I've always wanted to be here on stage! Come on Ron, you can be my manager!"

--

And that was how it went. The small group of wizards went on to make a lot of money on their shows. Remus became the discreet owner of several of the hotels. Sirius went on to having an affair with Snape, Snape ended up having affairs with anyone he could pay to sleep with him, both ended up breaking up over the fact, with Sirius owning a large house and Snape being the poolboy. Draco and Harry claimed to be the love children of Siegfried and Roy, won the trial with some magic interference, become millionaires, and frequented the Adventuredome theme park, which they later bought. And Ron and Hermione, you say? Ron, the infamous scam artist, opened up a very elite drinking bar, only catering to the wealthy, and proceeded to rip them off after he got them drunk enough on Firewhiskey while his wife was the 'entertainment', so to speak. Harry would have been proud.

And they all lived happily ever after- until Molly Weasley found them. Then the shit REALLY hit the fan.

They were the best of times. They were the worst of times...

(April 1, 2004)


End file.
